Braving the Currents and Valleys

Written by: Chang Huey Yin

I sat down at NUS Science Canteen with one of my closest friends from university -- Jiawen. If you ever met us together, you would probably witness me teasing her and among our group of friends, we always joke that she is at the bottom of the power hierarchy. You wouldn’t have guessed it, but Jiawen is older than many of us in the group.

To Jiawen, Be Bold Be You is about “the small little things. It’s about dealing with the unknown and figuring out along the way. It is pacing (herself) and trusting that it’s not wrong even if (she) took a different route.”

I did not know her then, but she came from an Integrated Programme (IP) school and always followed the ‘flow’ of things. In junior college (JC), she took a subject combination in the science stream. After all, her friends were all in the science stream. Although she had no clue what career she wanted, she was set on entering a science-related course in university -- she was told she “had to do something related to science to do something useful in life”. But unlike many, she did not pass her promotional examinations in JC1 and was called back for retests.

She recalled fondly how her Chemistry teacher asked if she was certain about taking Chemistry -- she was struggling with Chemistry and even if she had passed her retests and promoted, it would have been challenging for her to manage it in JC2. While she didn’t change her mind then, it got her thinking about her subject combination.

“At that point in time, I managed to promote… did I manage to promote?” She was confused trying to recall the details of the stormy period. One thing was certain, the 17-year-old then was thrust into real confusion when the results of the retests came back and she did not promote.

“Looks gloomy and sad, (like) the stressful days of studying,” she took this photo while studying in school one day.

While most people simply retook the same subject combination they took, Jiawen decided to drop Biology and Chemistry and took up Geography and Literature instead. It was a difficult choice especially since she has never taken Literature before. People even asked her “why (she was) so dumb, why (she chose) to drop science and go to humanities”. Perhaps, this was why her advice to her juniors now is to get support, but remember “to filter (because) not everyone will be the right kind of support”.

Thankfully, Jiawen made friends with her new batch mates and soon found a study group at “the blue table” (her school’s study area). She was especially grateful to two of them -- who not only explained the materials to her, but also generously shared their Literature notes. Nonetheless, the journey was more than taking up new subjects or overcoming others’ judgement.

Many times, she asked herself, “Why is everyone moving ahead without me?”. She watched her same aged peers study for ‘A’ levels and wear the tie as the graduating batch. “I didn’t want to go for prom anymore,” she admitted. “But I bought (the ticket) already. Bobian (Hokkien dialect for no choice)”.

In retrospect, redoing her JC1 turned out to be a blessing in disguise - she realised she did not have to follow her friends and the additional year gave her the space to think about what she truly wanted. She was interested in working with people and decided to work towards Social Work in NUS. While many of her same aged peers found the transition to university overwhelming, they guided her and she learnt from their experiences.

Jiawen and her ‘96 batch mates/seniors/people who were there for her

Her transition to university was seemingly smooth-sailing and she got what she thought she wanted -- she was enrolled in Social Work, secured a spot in her choice of hall easily (thanks to her same aged peers) and continued her passion in floorball through NUS Floorball.

Yet, strong currents came once again. She did not get into the Inter-Varsity-Polytechnic (IVP) floorball team and it led her to reflect on what floorball meant to her. She realised she valued the friendships forged through floorball and did not prioritise the competitive part of it. Although she was fixated at being part of the varsity team when she first entered university, she decided to leave the team. It was a difficult decision -- one filled with guilt and doubts. As she shared this story with me, I was selfishly grateful that 19-year-old her made such a decision. After leaving the varsity team, Jiawen continued playing and guiding new players through hall, external clubs, and is even part of the executive committee of the new NUS recreational floorball club! We met each other in Social Work, but later joined the same floorball club. If she had stayed in the varsity team, I probably would not have had the opportunity to play with and learn from her!

“Oh no Huey Yin… I also don’t know what I’m doing!” Jiawen whined when asked about Being Bold Being You as we graduate and enter the workforce, cueing a hearty laughter from the both of us -- because who really knows what they are doing all the time.

Jiawen and everyone above her on the hierarchy

I did not know how much I needed this conversation. While some of my batch mates appear confident about what they want to do in the future, I am uncertain about many aspects. While some of my batch mates have started going for job interviews or have even found jobs, I have yet to go for one. Sometimes I forget that we each have our own pace and course in life and I compare mine to others. This together with the unpredictability that came along with the COVID-19 situation, it feels like uncertainties and fears have flooded mine -- and many others’-- lives.

My river of life looks different from Jiawen. I started considering Social Work when I was in secondary school, went through the Joint Admission Exercise to enter JC and stuck with the same subject combination throughout my 2 years in JC. Despite having different rivers of life, I have felt the feelings of falling behind and fear of uncertainties that Jiawen described, in other contexts — like now.

Jiawen’s younger selves did not just show me what shaped her to be who she is today -- and how proud I am of her as a friend -- but also reminded me that even though it might not feel like it right now, things will be okay.

Be Bold Be You - LifeBold At WorkMarch 25, 2020Life, Bold